Goodbye 2011

Write Off!

Writing in December has been over-shadowed by Christmas preparation and the feeling I've been almost consistently in work this month. I should probably write off any further blogging until the new year.

The atmosphere at work is very poor and shows no signs of improving any time soon, staff are off sick, moral is very low, good will has gone on a sabbatical (a long-long sabbatical) unsure of when it will return. Demands are being made of everyone everyday at a time when under normal circumstances people would like to take it a little bit easier.

I'm distracted, disappointed and recent events have destroyed my confidence (rocked them at least) I wonder how long it is going to be until I feel 'normal' again? I'm focusing on the good- happy home life, love, pay protection, approaching Christmas, but still I don't feel right. I could do with 12b reopening again after a fairly length period of closure due to zero activity & admission, so I can regain my equilibrium somewhere safe.

I'm glad of a day off, I don't think I could of faced going in today. Tuesday on PICU drained me, left me feeling inadequate and hopeless; their skills are so far removed from those of a general children's nurse.

Their exceptional practitioners, but are jobs are not comparable. I'm also too sensitive, the care actually wounds me. Don't misunderstand I like working in close proximity with only a few patients; the meticulous nature of giving focused care and the accurate record keeping & documentation. But the children are just too ill and I find it too stressful. That life & death care.

I'd like to return to CHDU, to slay some of those dragons of the past, but surgery is where I'm apparently heading and with 24 hours to digest the fact I feel slightly more peaceful, I'll go with a good grace but will continue to push for an active & ongoing rotation. JAW (the new JK … always with the 'J' names) didn't endear herself with her initial approach. That doesn't bode well does it?

Welcome to Team Wilkes

"Welcome to Team Wilkes"

… and I could of spat in her face! Coming round to PICU in her full-on warpaint, delighted to impart the news, it shows a complete lack of sensitivity about the situation and how I maybe feeling.

I know some of the consultants have pushed greatly to have orthopaedic experienced staff placed on the new surgical / orthopaedic / oncology ward (Ward 217) Whilst I'm glad to know where I'll be working it is supremely gaoling to be place along side people who have (bluntly) got my job. I had hoped they would perhaps understand this and place me on my second choice- medical, where at least I respect the newly appointed senior team and am respected equally.

My confidence is shot and my professional self-esteem is approaching an all time low. Written confirmation should have been issued on the 6^th December (well it should have been the 5^th, but Child Health is always one step behind), but ours was delayed further because MM had a busted printer.

It really isn't good enough.

Once received there is five days to appeal, I don't think anyone's going to be around to hear an appeal on Saturday the 10^th. I don't know where this leaves me receiving my letter on the 8^th, five days to appeal takes me to Tuesday the 13^th?

I've tried to contact the Union to gain some advice prior to a meeting I have arranged with the Matron tomorrow. Where I should(?) receive my letter, if she's mended the printer, and hopefully an explanation.

How can it be a transparent process if you can't obtain accurate information, your score and comparable scores?

How can you address issues without knowing the areas of apparent failure and weakness?

How can you move on (either in post or to a new job) without a decent explanation?

How can you work for an organisation if at it's core you don't trust it?

After I receive answers then I can decide if an appeal is appropriate and worthwhile? I feel a lot of staff are looking towards me as an example of how to proceed. Even people who were successful have lost faith and intend to move on.

Everyone is scouring the job pages and keeping their ear to the ground, sadly uncovering minimal results. Staff are dropping like flies, the causes illness, abandonment and apathy, all exaggerated manifold by recent events. I look at the uncovered shifts on my own ward and the general lack of staff on busy areas desperate for help and know something has to give.

The dam is straining under all the pressure and I'm sitting on the bank unable to strengthen it or divert the increasing pressure. I'm just waiting for it to burst and get washed away. Perhaps it needs to burst, so we can re-build and put in flood defences, but rather than long-term solutions they prefer to perform bodge jobs to try and patch-up the leak than investigate the actual cause (Where's all the F'ing water coming from?)

Asking questions, getting answers.

So distracted was I on Friday that I didn't even open my advert calendar; a sure sign of distraction (I was stressed). In truth I was a restless as I've ever been throughout the day, unable to settle to anything or sit still. I found myself pacing & wandering around the ward.

I had contented myself that it could go either way and prepared myself for a shock. The implication to my self-esteem and standing to not get a post verses the potential stress and demands that would be placed upon me if I was successful(?) From the first day the Management of Change process was announced I was never really sure that I wanted a senior position, so with a few days hindsight perhaps they were right to not give me a post after all?

That doesn't stop the hurt, rejection and shame.

It is necessary to have an explanation, so I need to ask why? Request a copy of my scoring, the justification about how it was achieved and comparable scores with similar colleagues. How can I move on, address any issues raised and improve, if I don't receive adequate guidance?

Then and only then can I truly believe that it was as equitable, transparent and fair as they continue to say it was. And every time they uttered this disputed fact, the less I believed them. The first time it was said by MM I had to bite my tongue so hard to avoid screaming out …

“You're lying!!!”

It's not been handled well by any means, from the issue of the first piece of information to the approaching end of the process (at this point). Factually inaccurate information, dismissal of potential pay protection, staff not being contacted in good time, wrong contact details recorded and when challenged not being able to provide necessary information there and then.

In the main they have appointed exceptional & deserving staff, but there are a few who have less experience, less skills, less time qualified and are less popular. They often say less is more, maybe it's true after all?

Shit List

Childish & purile I appreciate

Failed!

It's a NO!

I've always been hopeless at tests.

At least we'll know ...

It turns out it's a week for long awaited results. Monday brought the eventual appointment with our GP to discuss issues surrounding our fertility investigations; as predicted EJT appears fine and thankfully I'm low not no. No surprises there, probably associated with issues of prematurity, obesity and heat. So we're now on the path of further options, investigations and possible treatment at Burton*. Well at least we'll know.

Friday (tomorrow) should bring the eventual outcome of the Management of Change process (at this stage at least) and the discovery of whether I have a Band Six post or not, and potentially where I'll be working within the new hospital. Again irrespective of the outcome ... At least we'll know.

To be a Band six in the new hospital is daunting as it's stepping into the unknown, but the period following Jk's retirement should stand me in good stead for whatever is to come. If I am unsuccessful then at least I am afforded two years pay protection; over that period it will act as a buffer so I can reassess my position and consider my options (although the time will pass swiftly I know).

I think all staff who are de-banded will feel hurt, offended, affronted, taken for granted, abused and rather pissed-off. I hope the Trust has taken into consideration the possible knee jerk reactions that could occur when staff receive the news, shock can make people do funny things. Imagine the scenario; you're on a night shift, you're rung at home and told you are to be down graded. You're upset and I would suggest it then becomes highly unlikely that you'll present on the ward later and even if you do your frame of mind wouldn't be the right one to work. I honestly don't know how it'll go, some days I think I'll be fine (whatever that means) and on others I'm less convinced.

Information regarding the process that has took place throughout the week has been rightly almost non-existent, all I've heard is that " ... over all it's as expected but there are a few surprises"

Which actually says nothing and offers very little reassurance. Is it expected that I should get a post (current Deputy Ward Manager, acting up) and it would be a surprise if I didn't OR is it expected that I won't get a post and it would be a surprise if I did? There's no way of knowing or working it out with this roundabout thinking.

All I do know is that the majority of people will be disappointed. Looking at the long list of eighty or so band sixes within our directorate it is hard not to think that I measure highly against some and poorly against others. It's not in my nature to be critical of others and even less so to be overly positive about myself. But I guarantee that after jumping through the hoops of the process it does make people want it more than they perhaps originally though? Certainly true for me.

It maybe nice to have the reduced stress of a working day as a band five, but would I honestly perform at a lower level in correlation with my lower grade? No, clinically I'd work exactly the same, but with less management responsibility. A direct switch with my current job where management stress outweighs clinical stress.

I'll let you know!

* No doubt more will be written about this and the surrounding issues at a later date.

Waiting ...