Total Belief

" ... recently I've been thinking about taking pills again, so I can see more slowly the slow dusty detail, my most cringing whim becomes a beautiful grail"

"Total Belief"- Malcolm Middleton

Sometimes it appears that song lyrics can convey more than my written words ever could?

I'm concerned that I'm getting almost buried with anxiety and intrusive bad thoughts, so often of late that I feel utterly wretched. Obviously I proportion a significant of blame on my grotty shift patten (which has received significantly too much oxygen previously as it is), but it is under no doubt that they  certainly contribute significantly to my low moods.

I focus on what's good in my life, and pretty much everything  is. So the obvious question would be what isn't? The usual answer, work and me

Work has often created stresses, but never as much as during the last year. 

I feel I'm stuck on the treadmill, desperate for a break . Thankfully we do have a holiday approaching, but I feel I need more than seven days on the Cornish coast. Anyway that's not the sort of break exactly (although that will no doubt help) a break in life ... a change. To feel (professionally) successful; just to feel a sense of peace and place within the hospital would make a huge difference. But I can't see these changes taking place currently, not to me at least.

If work was right then I feel everything else would perhaps align itself, is that naive? Would I simply find another area of dissatisfaction, I think not. 

So I try to change these, of late there has been greater focus on changing me and less on changing work, possibly because it appears more likely currently that I can bring change in myself ... and less so within the NHS organisation.

Despite ongoing (self) improvement works, the three to four stone that I have managed to deploy, I struggle to shake off feelings of utter hopelessness, that I'm just not good. I address issues, lose weight but as the physical weight comes off the weight of loathing remains somehow.

I have frequently thought that everybody has a relative amount of self-loathing, but evidence (and time) has proved this isn't the case. Hence feeling that medication maybe a solution?