HDRue

Once again I'm in HDU, so in many ways I'm HDRUE. If I reflect it is easy to feel that career wise I have actually achieved little over the last 19 years of nursing (my anniversary of both beginning nurse training and qualification falls in early April, ), after all that I may have done I find myself in a very similar place; a grass roots bog-standard nurse

And here I am stepping back into HDU, a place / time where I lay a lot of blame. For the partial breakdown of my mental health and the breakdown of my marriage. I still have wobbles with the former (and this in part why I thought I should write) and it all worked out for the best with the later clearly.

To  get these negative feelings & anxieties out and try to be more optimistic. ET has a sensible feeling that the more I utter negatives the more I'll believe them, so I'm making a concerted effort to be more positive (about myself at least)

Entering HDU I now have the support mechanism missing previously and no longer the responsibility for the units success beyond the day-to-day treatment of children.

Perhaps now returning it will allow me to excise some demons, although some things are oddly reminiscent of those times- LB unwell and awaiting admission to hospital, a lack of clear management direction, no medical lead and once again increased involvement in Alarm community. I am sure there are many more?

I've lost my fight for nursing; did I lose it when I was debanded, when I stepped-up to manage 12b, upon moving to 216 or sometime before? It is telling that one of my last serious previous blog entries in 2012 refers to being told I was joining the surgical ward team and the significant hurt that exposed.

 I certainly had more passion for orthopaedics than I appear to have for medicine, but the idea of moving over to 217 doesn't appeal even. 

I am forced to concede that I have become lazy and unmotivated, I want promotion and status but am simply not prepared to work for it. Before the hospital and my home life were deeply entwined, now I am contented to allow them to be very separate entertes in my life, to leave the hospital at the hospital.

Thankfully ET's career is on the rise and whilst not without stress it does appear she has much more to give than I. Should I be her support, the housewife in our relationship, to carry the weight where possible to allow her to make a difference? Surely I should, and whilst no doubt vital it doesn't always bring self-satisfaction or reward, and I can feel resentful. Another dragon to slay