Steps into the unknown ...

So Monday arrives and with it brings a huge step into the unknown. I'm still unsure what is expected of me; I guess it will be clarified on Tuesday 7^thNovember at the ward team meeting to discuss “Issues Surrounding JK's Retirement” … only I feel I am unable to attend, as are the majority of my colleagues.

Being such a small team it is unreasonable to expect everyone to travel in when they are on annual leave, days off, live fairly far away from the hospital or have to alter plans to attend a meeting outside of their working hours without providing an incentive or a better explanation than simply “Issues ...” It is also unreasonable to expect people who are in the middle of a run of nights, both dates suggested were mid-way through my run.

It sets a president if I do go in and already it illustrates the conflict that will exist between managing the ward and working clinical shifts. If they were willing to find someone to pick-up my run I'd gladly come in, but considering they are unable to locate a member of staff to work a lone afternoon shift on a Saturday during November it seems almost impossible.

Let's not even consider the issues surrounding cover in December. The only reason we can cover Christmas and New Year week is because annual leave is forbidden apart from the occasional day granted nearer to the event. They need to provide back-fill f staff yet I think it is more likely that this meeting (the meeting I am not attending) will confirm our closure.

And that would be fine.

I'm trying to complete the off-duty into the new year, but I'm struggling to balance management time with shift commitments, surely I can't be in the office if we are unable to cover the clinical shifts adequately?

This appears to be becoming a bigger issue, if I am the manager then I should work management hours, but they appear to wish me to both continue to work clinical shifts and pick up the management responsibilities within them. As example next week I am meant to be on a run of nights which would be fine as I could do management type stuff when it's quiet, it may even be better? But I am also expected to come in for a meeting on Monday morning, Tuesday afternoon, Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon; in short they are asking too much. This is what we're negotiating at the moment, it sees they have taken a while to see my point, but hopefully now …

We've had a few grotty weeks and feel we are just about coming out the other side. I have reached the conclusion that the next 5 months are going to be pretty brutal. The demands now being made of me are pretty extreme and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to cope. In many ways I have been sold a pup.

My CV eventually went in, whilst I gave decent lip service to being peaceful, when it came to justifying myself I found it rather difficult and it brought may conflicting emotions to the fore. I have reached the conclusion that what will be will be, but I am in the perilous position of not having a job in March, finding that out soon (mid-November), but still being expected to manage the ward until then. To resign, step-down or find another job would invalidate any offer of redundancy or protected pay should I be de-banded. In short they have got me over a barrel.

We both feel we can't remain on the hamster wheel indefinitely, school is bashing the stuffing out of EJT each day and we are concerned for both our health & well being.

So with tests, CV's, hospital demands and changes in job role it's been a difficult month. I was acutely aware that I was hiding away, but everything was getting on top of me and I think I retreated. I know this isn't a valid solution to problems, but I was so distracted it's only now looking back that I realise how remote I had possibly been.