Big mouth strikes again ...

So the meeting ...
Rather than an opportunity for open discussion and the passing of information, it rapidly took a swerve in direction. Dominated by one utter gob-shite who loves the sound of her own voice and speaking for the team, even if the team don't want to be spoken for. She began with a character assassination of JK; so innapropriate after all she has done and how hard she has worked for the families of North Staffordshire and the NHS. Then moved onto me ...

It is comforting to know that after two mere days in post since taking over I have made so many monumental ball up's, and have really been given adequate time to find my feet.

As  it feels I've said many times before; it's alright for her, she works two days a week and it appears that to her the ward is merely a hobby, an activity that gets her out of the house and away from her difficult home life. No demands are ever made of her being in a senior clinical post; she takes on no commitments or responsibilities beyond actual care on two shifts- no paperwork, no administration, no audits, no teaching. No nothing!

Yet she still feels in the position to criticise, criticise anybody without thought or self-censorship. Sadly she is of the mind that I perform in no greater way than her or any of the team and I'm probably not capable of running the ward because I haven't been given the opportunity predominantly 'cause of JK's previous need for control.  Whilst no doubt there was an element of truth in this once upon a time, it's clearly an out of date concept more recently. I have always done the unglamourous tasks, the things that generate little credit. If I stopped doing my little jobs now they'ed soon know it- no shifts, no training, no support, no information. No pay!

Clinically I respect her and her knowledge, in every other sense she is a horrible hag.  Unprofessional. A poor colleague. Overtly critical. Inflated sense of her own importance. Rude. Ignorant. Selfish.

She has made a (not at all) powerful enemy in me today and I will do everything in my power to clip her wings it's much - much too Machiavellian to say ...

I'll destroy Her!

Perhaps because I was tired, I hadn't really settled or slept on returning home aware that I had to return later that day; I didn't defend either JK or myself as I should of done. I was shocked, embarrassed and hurt.On reflection perhaps I should have never attended and stayed in bed; allowed them the opportunity to vent, criticise me fully and speak their mind, all out of ear shot. If I'd stayed at home, I'd be oblivious to all this and wouldn't feel so wretched tonight.

All would have been infinitely preferable to me. But I went and sat there as my character was semi-assasinated, once it began it took all my strength to not get-up, make a swift exit and lead with the parting comment of ...

“F*ck you all!”

But I sat there feeling numb. I didn't expect anyone to jump to my defence, maybe everyone does feel the same, but even so I could feel that others were uncomfortable. Once the meeting concluded I departed very quickly, in no mind to hang around. Anxious about the meeting I didn't sleep well this morning when I returned home, it was the sense of not knowing what was to come that unnerved me. Returning home I was enraged and charged up, honestly who could sleep after such an event. Consequently tonight I'm absolutely bolloxed.

I think most knew I was hurt, arriving that evening there was a terrible air of tension. Whilst I was loathed to drag up the earlier events or in fact let those emotions come to the surface, I made no secret of the fact that I felt quite betrayed. No doubt this will get back to her, and I intend to confront her about her behaviour soon, knowing she'll no doubt be oblivious to any offence or upset caused.

I am loathed to use such ungentlemanly language, but ...

Stupid bitch

A point to remembering ...

I never wanted the job, I have never harked for a management position. I came to the ward initially as a Senior staff nurse, a role that morphed into deputy ward manager without any consultation. I was requested to come because no one on the ward presently was deemed appropriate or adequately skilled. And no based at the City was willing to come, I was the only person to step-up and I frequently regret it.

Saying all of that this is my opportunity to have a go; five months to experience ward management, safe in the knowledge that it won't be continuing and it will be a long way off before any chance of promotion occurs again.

Just when I think I'm making progress and the apprehension dilutes ever so slightly, something like this happens and my guard is back-up and I'm as anxious as ever. It just goes to show that I can never become too complacent, I need to be aware that at any moment it can all turn to shit.