Black tie. Dude up.

Despite looking like a Bond villain I am secretly rather pleased that a bow tie managed to smuggle itself on board. You have to embrace these experiences and the opportunity to dress-up, don't you?

Meet the captain for drinks, he is precousously young, handsome and successful; I instantly want to punch him in the face. But his crew look on in rapped awe and hang-on his every word, so clearly he can't be that bad? 

Improved meal. Liz particularly enjoyed her lobster mash potato.

Talons

Why do my nails always grow quicker on holiday, I'll have talons by the time dock again in Southampton.

DAY TWO- At sea

Old people REALLY like porridge and old people struggle with technology.

I objects having to explain how to use the coffee machine and the juice dispenser, I intend to ask for a percentage of the tips once we return to Southampton. 

"Do I look like I work here, do I look Philepino  ... even vaguely oriental???"

"Perhaps it's the porridge on your sleeve?"

We plan the day ahead, but what seminar to attend ... 'Look Great: Puffy Eyes' or 'Fluid Retention & Swollen Ankles'  

Liz opts to attend a craft class (jewellery making) 

Rupert opts instead to sit on the balcony in his underpants. I maintain this is a way to avoid getting any further clothes dirty, obviously traumatised by breakfast and the porridge incident.

The wisdom of Liz: After cruising for seventeen hours and with NO land is sight ... "Are we abroad yet?"

We're going to brave the Pacific restaurant again tonight for black tie, Liz is eager to get me in a bow tie and anyway she's already ordered her sweetener free mash!

I fear Liz is already suffering from mild cabin fever ... or more accurately cruise fever ... I think the cabin offers some kind of sanctuary at present. Thankfully we arrive in Gothenburg tomorrow, I imagine we'll be clawing at the disembarkment door ready to explore. One thing is for sure we have certainly stopped which was the purpose of the break in it's most basic form, only problem is that Liz isn't very good at sitting and whilst I can sit with the best of 'em if plugged in and have adequate reading material. I am fearful of wasting time and missing out, so consequently require quite a detailed plan of events.

I'm not sure of any plans up to 8pm, after that it's a very full schedule; drinks with the Captain, black tie dinner, Deal or No Deal, quiz and perhaps further drinks. BED. It's what will happen over the next eight hours that causes concern. I guess we could always have something to eat?

Lunch

Witnessed an exchange between husband & wife. I didn't catch the initial conversation but the wife was clearly berating husband for an earlier act of shameful behaviour, it was only when I got close that I heard his response.

"... I'm on my holiday! I work really hard. I take sandwiches for my lunch each and everyday, ham ... cheese ... a bag of crisps and a bloody a penguin biscuit ... ... ... If I want to have four puddings I will!!!" 

Perhaps I am amongst my kind of people after all?

Liz had a Cornish pasty, chips & cabbage, followed by cheese. I had fisherman's pie & chips, followed by a bit of watery trifle and a mousse / cheesecake type thing of unknown flavour.  It tasted of beige, not even a strong a taste of brown!

Dining delights

Consequently we approach dining with great trepidation, do really want to make friends and sit on a table of four, six or eight. Perhaps we'd be better on a table for two ... far away from people ... to reduce potential 'torrets' outbursts by Mr. Todd?

By some error we are late for the first meal, obviously we're not the only ones as 20% of seats remain unoccupied. But significant anxiety grows as we are paraded through to table 56p (cheap at half the price) we survey every gap at every table with growing concern, will we be punished for our 7minute lateness? 

Dribbling women with crochet hair / Bad tempered looking man with mousey wife / A vision in leisure wear /Team blotchy.

Thankfully we are seated on a table for two, towards the back, out of harms way, away from the nice people ... and those with "needs"

They are already aware of Liz's allergies, but need further clarification. Artificial sweeteners certainly causes consternation ...

 "SUGAR???"

"No ... artificial sweeteners ... Aspartame ... like in diet coke?!?"

"We certainly won't be serving you diet coke madam!"

Our waiter goes to discuss his problematic clients with the chef, a few minutes later the head waiter comes over and the same conversation takes place. Eventually a solution is agreed, Liz will chose what she wants for the following day and the chef will ensure he doesn't toss in any artificial sweeteners.

But for tonight ...

"May I suggest melon ... but perhaps hold off on the mixed berry coulee?" 

At this point RT loses his sh*t (as the young people say) and nearly falls off his chair. Liz dicing with danger opts for a Prawn Marie Rose and will approach with caution ... they hold the rose. I guess the problem is that they hear allergy and think anathalaxis, which no doubt it could progress into if she bathed in pure aspartame, but with Liz's early warning mouth tingling and oral ulceration this is currently unlikely.

We are interested to see what tomorrow will bring ... Smoked salmon followed by lobster and mash potato (?) We decide to re-evaluate our dining choices for the remaining twelve nights.

Tonight the only option is to drink. There are nine bars and lounges on board, now all we have to do is find one that is suitably "us"

Andersons (too refined).The Crow's Nest. Harlequins (ballroom dancing). Lord's Tavern (sports bar) Pacific Lounge. Riviera Bar (closes at 7pm). Sunset Bar (closes at 6pm. False advertising, that's pre-sunset. Terrace Bar and Tiffany's (disco)

Hear it's been a super Saturday in the Olympics, we wouldn't know it's standing room only in the Lords Tavern and everytime I turn on the television in the room there's a program on about Pandas. Even so it appears that both Sky International and BBC World don't have the rights to show actual Olympic footage, so we have to trust the ticker tape (real) timeline that scrolls across the screen. I think it may have been more exciting to watch Jessica & Mo race than merely read about it?!?

Do we pass muster?

Few things in recent times have tickled either of us like the spectacle of 500 mainly elderly people trying to put on a life-jacket. I'd already had a dry run in our cabin, so this session could offer little apart from the discovery that they split in the middle and you don't HAVE to push your head through that little hole!?!  My ears are still recovering

Liz observed that all the ladies lifejackets were very nice & tidy, whereas the gents were a bit of a mess. Conclusion reached, most men had already had a play.

If the abandon ship command is heard it'll be a case of everyman (woman) for him/herself and we're probably best to just jump overboard. As you're dead stuck behind various mobility accoutrements (walkers, wheelchairs, etc) in these narrow corridors. I'll admit I didn't expect quite so many raspberry's.

We wonder why if you don't have to travel during the school holidays you do? Our cruising clan are 80% beyond the age of retirement, and many appear to approaching or beyond eighty. Why do they choose to travel in August when they could in June, July or September, get identical (if not better) weather and spend less money? Liz said it was just like Tesco, plenty of people head there on Friday evenings or Saturdays when they are completely able to go at other times. I hadn't thought of it like that.  

DAY ONE- Southampton

WELCOME ABOARD THE ORIONA 

It is clear Al Qaeda have never tried to blow-up a cruise ship. 

12.20pm exiting taxi, 12.35pm boarding ship, 12.40pm having a drink on deck. This really is stress free travel; the lack of stress makes me nervous.

Within five minutes of arriving onboard it is pretty clear that we are perhaps the youngest people on board. Maybe we are too young for cruising? Time will tell ...

"Oh look a child! Wasn't this suppose to be a child free cruise; I may complain?!?"